Yesterday I longed to die,

fell to the ground, and the ground caught me.
Now today I question why I fell.

I've had a pretty bad 4 days. But not the worst. I saw Cat, but have been very unproductive. Whether that's because I felt bad, or I felt bad because I've been unproductive. I feel like its this vicious circle. Particularly yesterday, I woke fairly early but just wanted to curl up again and not think or feel. But I knew I had work to do so I dragged myself away. I tried to get my head around Psychology which is hard when your mind is hazy. That's all it seems to be these days, hazy. It took me hours to find photographs that demonstrated fast and slow shutter speeds because I was being picky, I had to be able to comment on them so they had to be perfect. My stupid mentality. When it came to the analysis I couldn't form the words, it was literally like they would not form into a sentence. It was so frustrating. So I had to give up. I tear up whenever I look at my art portfolio and I cant think about writing a story for English.
By the end of the day I was in tears to my Dad, and stayed up well past midnight just shuffling cards and reading about Adam Ants various breakdowns in his autobiography.

This morning I had to wake up at 7am to go to Liverpool. The odd thing is, in my head I just don't want to go out anywhere. I don't want to see anyone, but in this case I wanted to frantically buy anything that I thought would make me happy. Colliding thoughts. Walking into town from Liverpool University (Dad dropped us off, he does research there from time to time) it was pissing it down, my mum was hogging the umbrella so I had to walk in the pissing grey rain. Pathetic fallacy. I was walking through the rain in tears but I thought it was okay, because nobody notices when you cry in the rain. Your tears are like rain.
I hid in a cathedral bathroom for a while, determined not to have my day ruined and somehow I picked up a little. I bought 5 tubes of oil paint for £10, but with student discount it was £9. Then I went into Soho's. The sales people there are lovely. I tried on a military jacket and had this guy telling me to get the smaller of the two sizes I was trying because it fitted better, and the fabric was stretchy so it is designed that way. he said "if you look at the jacket I'm wearing, I could clearly buy a size bigger but it fits better this way." He had a point. But I agonised over it for god knows how long. He said to my mum "How old is she?" and Mum of course said 16, he said "She has a good figure, she should make the most of it" or something. Then other people came over and said "don't you let him tell you what to buy, you gets what you're comfortable in." It was so over the top. But I did get the smaller size. I also bought a satin and velvet tailcoat with lace and satin cuffs and its frilly. I noticed it in the other Soho's in Afflecks, but only just bought it now. I could see myself wearing it for Derren Brown.
I bought a hat, and I'm not a hat person. I bought a wire Christmas tree for my room. I bought imported Oreo's because they don't have milk in. I just felt like I was unnecessarily spending just to make myself happy. I feel like I'm trying to mask everything. But I do love the stuff I've bought.
Then I tried to by lunch and there weren't any sandwiches I liked (limited amount since I'm vegan). I was suddenly aware how many people there were around me, how close they seemed, and I got the feeling they were watching me, or watching what I was trying to buy, and when we eventually went to Spud U' Like at the Food court I was watchful of everyone, thinking they'd try and grab my bag. I think my Mum noticed I was a bit jumpy. I don't know why I was though. This overwhelming thing just happened.

Now I'm back home, writing this only because I wanted to try to straighten the days events out. I'm really confused. I feel like collapsing and giving up but I'm scared of the repercussions and I know how that will effect me.
Now I have to tackle work. Which I've been trying to do for 4 days, so I don't know how now is going to be any different.
I'll try. I really will.