Sunday, December 06, 2009
Oh my god.
Dh Preview One - Click here for more home videos
How epic is this? I can't believe we're getting sneak peaks already.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Fucking Hi. I went to see Green Day, Michael McIntyre and Billy Talent last month. I loved them all. My favorite comedien and two of my favorite bands. Check out my videos of the nights at www.youtube.com/theblackparade133
I'm not really sure what to say. November has turned out to be just as hard for me, if not worse than last month. I think I'm tending to shut off from everything, like I'll just sit and do nothing, or I'll immerse myself in Harry Potter. Its either full on or nothing and I can't really cope with the rapid changes, in terms of my working and my mental well being.
What a mismatched blog.
Over and out.
I'm not really sure what to say. November has turned out to be just as hard for me, if not worse than last month. I think I'm tending to shut off from everything, like I'll just sit and do nothing, or I'll immerse myself in Harry Potter. Its either full on or nothing and I can't really cope with the rapid changes, in terms of my working and my mental well being.
What a mismatched blog.
Over and out.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Yesterday I longed to die,
fell to the ground, and the ground caught me.
Now today I question why I fell.
I've had a pretty bad 4 days. But not the worst. I saw Cat, but have been very unproductive. Whether that's because I felt bad, or I felt bad because I've been unproductive. I feel like its this vicious circle. Particularly yesterday, I woke fairly early but just wanted to curl up again and not think or feel. But I knew I had work to do so I dragged myself away. I tried to get my head around Psychology which is hard when your mind is hazy. That's all it seems to be these days, hazy. It took me hours to find photographs that demonstrated fast and slow shutter speeds because I was being picky, I had to be able to comment on them so they had to be perfect. My stupid mentality. When it came to the analysis I couldn't form the words, it was literally like they would not form into a sentence. It was so frustrating. So I had to give up. I tear up whenever I look at my art portfolio and I cant think about writing a story for English.
By the end of the day I was in tears to my Dad, and stayed up well past midnight just shuffling cards and reading about Adam Ants various breakdowns in his autobiography.
This morning I had to wake up at 7am to go to Liverpool. The odd thing is, in my head I just don't want to go out anywhere. I don't want to see anyone, but in this case I wanted to frantically buy anything that I thought would make me happy. Colliding thoughts. Walking into town from Liverpool University (Dad dropped us off, he does research there from time to time) it was pissing it down, my mum was hogging the umbrella so I had to walk in the pissing grey rain. Pathetic fallacy. I was walking through the rain in tears but I thought it was okay, because nobody notices when you cry in the rain. Your tears are like rain.
I hid in a cathedral bathroom for a while, determined not to have my day ruined and somehow I picked up a little. I bought 5 tubes of oil paint for £10, but with student discount it was £9. Then I went into Soho's. The sales people there are lovely. I tried on a military jacket and had this guy telling me to get the smaller of the two sizes I was trying because it fitted better, and the fabric was stretchy so it is designed that way. he said "if you look at the jacket I'm wearing, I could clearly buy a size bigger but it fits better this way." He had a point. But I agonised over it for god knows how long. He said to my mum "How old is she?" and Mum of course said 16, he said "She has a good figure, she should make the most of it" or something. Then other people came over and said "don't you let him tell you what to buy, you gets what you're comfortable in." It was so over the top. But I did get the smaller size. I also bought a satin and velvet tailcoat with lace and satin cuffs and its frilly. I noticed it in the other Soho's in Afflecks, but only just bought it now. I could see myself wearing it for Derren Brown.
I bought a hat, and I'm not a hat person. I bought a wire Christmas tree for my room. I bought imported Oreo's because they don't have milk in. I just felt like I was unnecessarily spending just to make myself happy. I feel like I'm trying to mask everything. But I do love the stuff I've bought.
Then I tried to by lunch and there weren't any sandwiches I liked (limited amount since I'm vegan). I was suddenly aware how many people there were around me, how close they seemed, and I got the feeling they were watching me, or watching what I was trying to buy, and when we eventually went to Spud U' Like at the Food court I was watchful of everyone, thinking they'd try and grab my bag. I think my Mum noticed I was a bit jumpy. I don't know why I was though. This overwhelming thing just happened.
Now I'm back home, writing this only because I wanted to try to straighten the days events out. I'm really confused. I feel like collapsing and giving up but I'm scared of the repercussions and I know how that will effect me.
Now I have to tackle work. Which I've been trying to do for 4 days, so I don't know how now is going to be any different.
I'll try. I really will.
Now today I question why I fell.
I've had a pretty bad 4 days. But not the worst. I saw Cat, but have been very unproductive. Whether that's because I felt bad, or I felt bad because I've been unproductive. I feel like its this vicious circle. Particularly yesterday, I woke fairly early but just wanted to curl up again and not think or feel. But I knew I had work to do so I dragged myself away. I tried to get my head around Psychology which is hard when your mind is hazy. That's all it seems to be these days, hazy. It took me hours to find photographs that demonstrated fast and slow shutter speeds because I was being picky, I had to be able to comment on them so they had to be perfect. My stupid mentality. When it came to the analysis I couldn't form the words, it was literally like they would not form into a sentence. It was so frustrating. So I had to give up. I tear up whenever I look at my art portfolio and I cant think about writing a story for English.
By the end of the day I was in tears to my Dad, and stayed up well past midnight just shuffling cards and reading about Adam Ants various breakdowns in his autobiography.
This morning I had to wake up at 7am to go to Liverpool. The odd thing is, in my head I just don't want to go out anywhere. I don't want to see anyone, but in this case I wanted to frantically buy anything that I thought would make me happy. Colliding thoughts. Walking into town from Liverpool University (Dad dropped us off, he does research there from time to time) it was pissing it down, my mum was hogging the umbrella so I had to walk in the pissing grey rain. Pathetic fallacy. I was walking through the rain in tears but I thought it was okay, because nobody notices when you cry in the rain. Your tears are like rain.
I hid in a cathedral bathroom for a while, determined not to have my day ruined and somehow I picked up a little. I bought 5 tubes of oil paint for £10, but with student discount it was £9. Then I went into Soho's. The sales people there are lovely. I tried on a military jacket and had this guy telling me to get the smaller of the two sizes I was trying because it fitted better, and the fabric was stretchy so it is designed that way. he said "if you look at the jacket I'm wearing, I could clearly buy a size bigger but it fits better this way." He had a point. But I agonised over it for god knows how long. He said to my mum "How old is she?" and Mum of course said 16, he said "She has a good figure, she should make the most of it" or something. Then other people came over and said "don't you let him tell you what to buy, you gets what you're comfortable in." It was so over the top. But I did get the smaller size. I also bought a satin and velvet tailcoat with lace and satin cuffs and its frilly. I noticed it in the other Soho's in Afflecks, but only just bought it now. I could see myself wearing it for Derren Brown.
I bought a hat, and I'm not a hat person. I bought a wire Christmas tree for my room. I bought imported Oreo's because they don't have milk in. I just felt like I was unnecessarily spending just to make myself happy. I feel like I'm trying to mask everything. But I do love the stuff I've bought.
Then I tried to by lunch and there weren't any sandwiches I liked (limited amount since I'm vegan). I was suddenly aware how many people there were around me, how close they seemed, and I got the feeling they were watching me, or watching what I was trying to buy, and when we eventually went to Spud U' Like at the Food court I was watchful of everyone, thinking they'd try and grab my bag. I think my Mum noticed I was a bit jumpy. I don't know why I was though. This overwhelming thing just happened.
Now I'm back home, writing this only because I wanted to try to straighten the days events out. I'm really confused. I feel like collapsing and giving up but I'm scared of the repercussions and I know how that will effect me.
Now I have to tackle work. Which I've been trying to do for 4 days, so I don't know how now is going to be any different.
I'll try. I really will.
Saturday, October 03, 2009
Derren Brown
Something that just came to mind, I thought Derren Brown was worth mentioning here. I am a sceptic, and can be very cynical of the world from time to time, but I am genuinely impressed by his skills. For the past month I have looked forward to watching his new series The Events every Friday night. They were very ambitious, and you could sense how much was riding on these stunts, any idiot could. As far as I'm concerned, he succeeded.
The first one, How to Win the Lottery, was a success; he 'guessed' all the numbers. Careful thought and hindsight tells you that he could not, however, have 'predicted' the numbers. The odds are far too great. But I really don't want to believe he used a split screen, as many people on the Internet are hypothesising. Maybe that's just something I'll leave and call 'a very clever trick'
How to Control the Nation was interesting. Here you have the population of the UK inevitably sceptical about being stuck to their chairs because of course it seems ridiculous, doesn't it? About 50% got stuck in the studio and he predicted the same sort of percentage in Britain. It doesn't seem like much, but when you step back from it all for a second and actually look at what he's trying to do; subliminally influence all of us into getting stuck, I'd say 50% was quite good. On a personal level, I didn't get stuck. It disappointed me for the split second that I stood up. I must have tried it about 5 times and each time was slightly different. It did have an effect on me though, I felt drawn in, and had the sensation something was pulling me into my seat, and when the subliminal film had stopped I found my arms virtually impossible to lift, and every part of me was aching. My eyes were watering and I was nearly in tears, but I stood up. I don't know if that was because I willed myself to stand up; told myself I could. But it had a pretty weird effect on me. I would have been extremely disappointed, however, if it had no effect whatsoever.
How to be a Psychic Spy puzzled me slightly as to why Derren would tap in to the whole Psychic area, as its clearly fake. Regardless of the fact that the whole area is interesting to him. Still, it was very interesting and it made me laugh in places, for example when Dr Wayne Carr did his remote viewing but pretty much guessed at everything that could possibly be in a city, it was just total bullshit. Hours cut down to five minutes of hits. I'm not sure what the point of showing it us was though, that it wasn't the way that Derren would do it? I drew a parrot, moons and trees and oddly enough, circles. the actual drawing that was produced were concentric circles. I was freaked out at how close I was. Derren then put the advert "Draw concentric circles" in all of the papers on the day of broadcast. But I never read the papers that day...
Last night was the final episode, or event. How to Beat the Casino was pretty amazing. It was probably the most nerve racking one, as a viewer. This, I thought, would be the most genuine and believable out of them all because how on earth could you ever rig or influence something which just cant be? For example, the sequence he did where a woman threw a ball and it landed on one of a hundred massive squares on the floor. Derren would guess which number it would be a second after she threw the ball- before it even hit the floor let alone the bounces all over the floor. He got it right, of course, number 37. This was supposed to be to do with Trajectory. The weight of the ball, the speed at which it was thrown and also the angle. I can believe that, because in cases like this, physics is surely the only answer. Paul Wilson from The Real Hustle came and talked to Derren about the impossibility of beating 'the holy grail', the Roulette wheel (quite a treat for me, I love The Real Hustle) The importance of the relationship between the speed of the ball and the 0 on the wheel, and how computers could be the only way of working this out. Derren then said the only reliableand legal way of doing this would be to calculate it in his head, which is pretty much impossible. Actually placing the bet on the Roulette wheel, which was live, was so awful to watch. It was if I was doing it myself, or it was my money. I felt so sick inside, more for Derren. He placed £5000 of someone elses money on number 8 as he watched the ball spin round. It landed on 30 and I gasped and practically cried. He was one off (30 is next to 8 on the Roulette Wheel). He walked away and kept saying to his hidden camera "Ahh, I was one off. Sorry Ben. I'll give you your money back" I could hear the disappointment so much in his voice! People think he meant to do that. My mum said he wouldn't be allowed to use his powers for someones personal gain which is a very good point. I don't mind him getting it wrong. It shows to me that he's human, and also that what he was doing was genuine, and took real skill. One off is not half bad.
What an end to a series. I feel kind of deflated though, because I really looked forward to these Friday nights. But he's doing this online show called Science of Scams, and a 3D channel 4 thing next month (we can all buy 3D glasses in supermarkets) and I'm seeing him next year live, which will be a thrill.
Long winded, yes. But you enjoyed it.
Tell me what you thought of The Events. I dare you to do it in detail as I have.
x
The first one, How to Win the Lottery, was a success; he 'guessed' all the numbers. Careful thought and hindsight tells you that he could not, however, have 'predicted' the numbers. The odds are far too great. But I really don't want to believe he used a split screen, as many people on the Internet are hypothesising. Maybe that's just something I'll leave and call 'a very clever trick'
How to Control the Nation was interesting. Here you have the population of the UK inevitably sceptical about being stuck to their chairs because of course it seems ridiculous, doesn't it? About 50% got stuck in the studio and he predicted the same sort of percentage in Britain. It doesn't seem like much, but when you step back from it all for a second and actually look at what he's trying to do; subliminally influence all of us into getting stuck, I'd say 50% was quite good. On a personal level, I didn't get stuck. It disappointed me for the split second that I stood up. I must have tried it about 5 times and each time was slightly different. It did have an effect on me though, I felt drawn in, and had the sensation something was pulling me into my seat, and when the subliminal film had stopped I found my arms virtually impossible to lift, and every part of me was aching. My eyes were watering and I was nearly in tears, but I stood up. I don't know if that was because I willed myself to stand up; told myself I could. But it had a pretty weird effect on me. I would have been extremely disappointed, however, if it had no effect whatsoever.
How to be a Psychic Spy puzzled me slightly as to why Derren would tap in to the whole Psychic area, as its clearly fake. Regardless of the fact that the whole area is interesting to him. Still, it was very interesting and it made me laugh in places, for example when Dr Wayne Carr did his remote viewing but pretty much guessed at everything that could possibly be in a city, it was just total bullshit. Hours cut down to five minutes of hits. I'm not sure what the point of showing it us was though, that it wasn't the way that Derren would do it? I drew a parrot, moons and trees and oddly enough, circles. the actual drawing that was produced were concentric circles. I was freaked out at how close I was. Derren then put the advert "Draw concentric circles" in all of the papers on the day of broadcast. But I never read the papers that day...
Last night was the final episode, or event. How to Beat the Casino was pretty amazing. It was probably the most nerve racking one, as a viewer. This, I thought, would be the most genuine and believable out of them all because how on earth could you ever rig or influence something which just cant be? For example, the sequence he did where a woman threw a ball and it landed on one of a hundred massive squares on the floor. Derren would guess which number it would be a second after she threw the ball- before it even hit the floor let alone the bounces all over the floor. He got it right, of course, number 37. This was supposed to be to do with Trajectory. The weight of the ball, the speed at which it was thrown and also the angle. I can believe that, because in cases like this, physics is surely the only answer. Paul Wilson from The Real Hustle came and talked to Derren about the impossibility of beating 'the holy grail', the Roulette wheel (quite a treat for me, I love The Real Hustle) The importance of the relationship between the speed of the ball and the 0 on the wheel, and how computers could be the only way of working this out. Derren then said the only reliableand legal way of doing this would be to calculate it in his head, which is pretty much impossible. Actually placing the bet on the Roulette wheel, which was live, was so awful to watch. It was if I was doing it myself, or it was my money. I felt so sick inside, more for Derren. He placed £5000 of someone elses money on number 8 as he watched the ball spin round. It landed on 30 and I gasped and practically cried. He was one off (30 is next to 8 on the Roulette Wheel). He walked away and kept saying to his hidden camera "Ahh, I was one off. Sorry Ben. I'll give you your money back" I could hear the disappointment so much in his voice! People think he meant to do that. My mum said he wouldn't be allowed to use his powers for someones personal gain which is a very good point. I don't mind him getting it wrong. It shows to me that he's human, and also that what he was doing was genuine, and took real skill. One off is not half bad.
What an end to a series. I feel kind of deflated though, because I really looked forward to these Friday nights. But he's doing this online show called Science of Scams, and a 3D channel 4 thing next month (we can all buy 3D glasses in supermarkets) and I'm seeing him next year live, which will be a thrill.
Long winded, yes. But you enjoyed it.
Tell me what you thought of The Events. I dare you to do it in detail as I have.
x
Thoughts and anecdotes
Look at me being all blog-postie today. I never write online blogs much because I never think I have all that much to say. I've never really been one for recounting my day, unless something really special or unusual has gone on. I usually write up my own rather disturbing thoughts in a book for myself. But I suppose this is a little different.
I saw Hannah yesterday, for the first time in 2 weeks. I really miss her. She told me last night that without me being at Lymm, it felt like her right arm was chopped off, although I don't know how serious she was being aside from the fact that her arm clearly wasn't chopped off. But she also said that there are really weird things that she thinks and she knows that if she tells anyone, most people would consider her a freak. But she knows I would find her thoughts amusing. Sadly, I'm never around anymore for this to happen. She brought a little light to my rather bad week.
I saw Hannah yesterday, for the first time in 2 weeks. I really miss her. She told me last night that without me being at Lymm, it felt like her right arm was chopped off, although I don't know how serious she was being aside from the fact that her arm clearly wasn't chopped off. But she also said that there are really weird things that she thinks and she knows that if she tells anyone, most people would consider her a freak. But she knows I would find her thoughts amusing. Sadly, I'm never around anymore for this to happen. She brought a little light to my rather bad week.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Christ
Vic has posted so many blogs, it makes me want to start writing here again.
Way, way, way, way too much has happened for me to even begin to explain, in my life, me as a person, and how everything has changed. Its not worth talking about because it doesn't matter to the vast majority. I suppose this is a record for myself of my own life and those who read it can take from it what they will.
One particualar tiny glimmer of hope came in the form of Vic and The Used, last night. I bought tickets to see The Used as a birthday present to her, and we went last night. We saw Esme and Becky in the queue, but they were going ot see Joe Brooks, it was so hilarious because they looked so out of place in that line. while waiting for The Used, Vic kept singing All That I've Got as loud as a fucking... [insert loud thing here] :/ I got so giddy and laughing and I swear everyone around us were pissed off. I cant imagine why, its not like she was singing Joe Brooks.
The Used themselfs were amazing. Honestly one of the best shows I've been too and I got to a lot, of course. I always found Bert quite scary, not in the way that you would be scared to walk past him in the street, but in personality, something deep rooted? But he was actually very sweet, and I really enjoyed myself. wiL Francis made a guest appearence at the end and I practically died of shock. "Awww, are you tired?" -wipes eyes- "FUCKING WAKE UP!!!!!!" Gahaahaa. They did an amazing little acoustic of On My Own, nearly cried, which I never thought I would at a Used gig.
Way, way, way, way too much has happened for me to even begin to explain, in my life, me as a person, and how everything has changed. Its not worth talking about because it doesn't matter to the vast majority. I suppose this is a record for myself of my own life and those who read it can take from it what they will.
One particualar tiny glimmer of hope came in the form of Vic and The Used, last night. I bought tickets to see The Used as a birthday present to her, and we went last night. We saw Esme and Becky in the queue, but they were going ot see Joe Brooks, it was so hilarious because they looked so out of place in that line. while waiting for The Used, Vic kept singing All That I've Got as loud as a fucking... [insert loud thing here] :/ I got so giddy and laughing and I swear everyone around us were pissed off. I cant imagine why, its not like she was singing Joe Brooks.
The Used themselfs were amazing. Honestly one of the best shows I've been too and I got to a lot, of course. I always found Bert quite scary, not in the way that you would be scared to walk past him in the street, but in personality, something deep rooted? But he was actually very sweet, and I really enjoyed myself. wiL Francis made a guest appearence at the end and I practically died of shock. "Awww, are you tired?" -wipes eyes- "FUCKING WAKE UP!!!!!!" Gahaahaa. They did an amazing little acoustic of On My Own, nearly cried, which I never thought I would at a Used gig.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
The angels sing "let it shine, let it shine"
Dry the teardrops from my eyes.
I never post here anymore. Its stupid really, how I make all these accounts and never use them, my latest is http://firephoenix.tumblr.com/ and it seems like it will replace this. Not that any of it matters really.
I never post here anymore. Its stupid really, how I make all these accounts and never use them, my latest is http://firephoenix.tumblr.com/ and it seems like it will replace this. Not that any of it matters really.
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